dromino

well, it's been a while. back into school again.. it's going alright, things are piling up though..i'm taking three majors right now: photography, video, and sculpture along with a drawing class and art history. i love my drawing class. we've been doing one, two, three, and atmospheric perspective, which to a lot of people is a little elementary, but it's been really good to go over it and really understand it again. it's one of those things that people learn and then forget, so going over it again really makes everything click again. we went down to lake union down westlake to the wooden boats center and drew outside for a few hours. I used charcoal for the first time for a lengthy drawing. It wasn't great, but I was pleased with the rendering. I'm trying not to be as hard on myself with my art, and appreciate it as learning and progressing towards better art. Being in photography again has been pretty great. I love my teacher and his views on art in general. We get to develop film next week. oh god how great it will be to hold film in my hands, and then go in the dark room, and it will just be what i've been missing for over a year. It's what kept me sane in highschool, and hopefully it will be as much of an aid now.
Sculpture is pretty good so far, but pretty grueling physically. We are carving forms from blocks of styrofoam which is so much harder than it sounds. We'll be treating it with fiberglass once the form is done and it'll be pretty sweet to see the finished product.

I've been sick lately, and it's just brought back every bad memory from the past years into my daily thoughts. Missing school, work, and not really being able to explain to who it concerns what's really wrong, or what's happening. it's the exact thing I deal with every year, and i'm just always so drained for energy. I have been watching what I eat lately, staying away from sugar, searching for protein in everything i can find, and am probably eventually going to ween out meat and eggs, and possibly dairy from my diet. I think I have found two new doctors that I should be seeing regularly so I hope that they will help me understand what's going on.

as for my living situation, it's pretty great. better than i expected. dena and i, so far, have been pretty compatible. it's nice always having someone there, just to sort of talk about anything and everything with. just day to day things. i am in the living room, my room being completely exposed which is weighing on me a little, but it's alright. i like our apartment and i love living in seattle. my parents have moved to seattle as well, and i couldn't be happier about that. having them so close has been amazing.


i'm kind of over this whole live journal thing, but i still enjoy reading what other people write. i've kind of moved onto hand written journals, where i can draw as well as write. plus, having something physical like that is much more satisfying.

i'm 20 now. my birthday sort of sucked. i got a few calls, but it went pretty unnoticed. except for my good ol' parents. they were they only ones who took time to give me a gift, not that that's the point of birthdays, but it's nice getting something from someone specifically for you. my aunt and sister sent me a card, which i appreicated greatly.. thank you, family. at least i know you will always care about me. i become more grateful for that every day.

i hope you all are doing well. and for those of you who have just gone off to college, good luck and have fun.

back to school..back to school...

i think i'm ready! i think i'm ready!





i don't know if i'm ready.

a clockwork orange is a bad ass movie.

i wish i had something to hold on to..but i've psychotically burnt down any structures holding me together.

i always knew i'd fuck everything up.

it's been about a month since i posted to this.. eh.

my summer has been kind of nothing really.. i've been going through some stuff..and it's been hard. i haven't really seen anyone that much at all either. i work close to 40 hours a week, and got promoted to supervisor, so work takes up a lot of my time and energy..i like it though.

my roommate has moved in. she's been living here for almosr 2 weeks now. i was really worried about how it would go, but everything is really chill, so i'm really relieved about that..

i love seattle though..love.

i feel like i'm waiting for things to sweep me off my feet, but the ground is constantly under me.. reminding me that it's there..and..i'mjustsickofit.

god i hope things will be okay.

you know.... now is the time when i'm supposed to be having the time of my life. highschool was sort of suppoedto be like that as well, and i was miserable through most of that too. i'm almost 20, living in an awesome city, and i feel like the time is just passing by, and i'm not doing anything memorable, or worth while. i can't seen to have any fun anymore..and no one really seems willing to help me have fun..it's so frustrating when nothing really appeals to me anymore. okay, i'm changing that..nothing that is within my reach appeals to me. i feel pretty alone all the time, even when i'm with people. it's nice when someone finally asks more than, what's up? or whatever..damn.

i feel like i need to make a change, but that resolution seems so, so far away.

the only thing really making me happy right now is music. i actually really hate talking about music because everything i can say about it sounds so cheesy..but really.. when i'm just sitting in this apartment, listening to every note, every sound, every transition, level, effect..my body just melts away. it's pure happiness. i've realized more and more within the last few months that music is my passion above all other things. art is.. okay.. and i'm good at it.. but nothing..NOTHING makes me feel like i do when i'm listening to music, or playing music, or singing.. or really just humming a tune in my head.


i feel SO stuck..and i don't know how to really live my life anymore.

something needs to change. I need to change.

I got an apartment in seattle. It is such a rad place and I'm going down tonight to sign the lease and get the keys :). I'm excited to move in, but it's going to be so hard to actually leave my little home here with matt. Last night I guess it sort of really sunk in, for matt as well, and it was really, really hard. i feel like i'm leaving so much behind..having cold feet.. i mean matt is my best friend as well as my other half..i can totally be myself around him, and he completely accepts who i am. i've never felt that way, with anyone really. always something i have to monitor, or screen with friends and family..but not with him. i can just be, and it's perfect with him. it's going to be so hard to move out.. but i'm trying to look on the bright side..it will be fun having him come over, and we can go on dates, and our time will be more "cherished" i guess...i'm just trying to be posititve and not let it get to me..but it's almost impossible.

god that was such a rambling paragraph.. sorry. anyway..about the place..

it's on capitol hill, only 800 a month including water, water heating, sewer and garbage.. pretty much i just pay electricity and cable if i want it..it's right off the olive 1-5 exit..i mean, it's right there. easily walk to broadway, the market, my school..pretty much everything. the apartment is on the second floor.. and aparently the people below us are music people, and they play music kinda loud all the time, and the manager was telling me this as a concern of sorts, but i was thrilled. right now, we've been living above mole people who freak out at any noise we make, and have called the cops on us multiple times. i haven't listened to music in this apartment very much at all. so, i'm excited to have people below me that won't care, or will have no right to complain. it's a 1 bedroom..and the rooms are seperated by these two big glass doors. they are so rad. we have three pretty big windows and it lets a lot of light in..it just got new carpet and tile and shit and that's awesome.. the only way to make this place better would be to have hardwoods.. that's what i wanted, but because the rest of the place was so rad, i didn't care about carpet. it's got high ceilings and old style moldings and stuff.. it's an older building so it has the old feel through-out and i've always wanted a place like that. the rooms are way bigger than i thought.. and my friend and i could possibly split the 1 bedroom and have the living rooms just for hanging out..there's also and extra closet to quote the manager.."to hide a person..or drugs." funny stuff. it's got a sweeeeet courtyard in the back of the building with all kinds of trees hanging down and towering over it.. benches and stuff.. really pretty. basically, i'm in love with the place. my roomate, dena, won't be back in town to move in until either the middle of july.. or sometimes in august, so i have the place to myself for a bit. one set back is there is no dishwasher.. but i really don't mind doing them by hand, because.. with most dishwashers you pretty much have to clean the dishes completely before putting them in anyway..

so that was again another rambling paragraph...

alright.. that's all.

alright, so i haven't written anything in a while so i thought i'd maybe update for those of you who read this.

i'm working almost full-time now, because i'm insanely broke, and trying to move to seattle.
matt and i have decided living together right now isn't the best situation for either of us, so we are going to be living with different people within the next month or two. i'm going to, or trying to, because seattle housing is ridiculous, rare, and expensive, get an apartment with my friend dena, from cornish. we're looking to get one on, or around capitol hill. it's killing me trying to find a place. i have the kitten, which cuts our options in half, and our price range is under a grand. my god, preferably less, but that is our max. i'm hoping to find something for around 800..but my hope for that is dwindling. matt and i have both realized that we need time to ourselves, and time to be ourselves, on our own. going straight out of high school, to living with your boyfriend, is awesome in a lot of ways, and i'm still glad we did, but it is also really hard, and doesn't allow for the couple as individuals to grow and adapt. we both have become really dependent on each other, and both agree we need to change that. realistically, you cannot be happy with someone, unless you know what you want, and how you can be happy by yourself.

another thing i should let some on you know is that we have "called off" the engagement. we both agree that it was too soon, and that we were both too excited to think about what the commitment really meant. we have not broken up or anything like that, we have just decided to sort of step backwards and turn down the serious knob. obviously, we realize that this situation might not work, and things could end up not working out. but with the way things are now, failure was kind of inevitable.

i hate thinking about how hard this will be, but it's something i have come to accept that we need to do.

i'm also going to start therapy. i have a consultation tomorrow with her, and i'm hoping i'm comfortable around her. i have put it off for way to long, and have to realize that i can't help myself alone. it's a fucking scary thing that i've been avoiding, but i guess i have to just get over it, or things will never get better. i've always been a little uneasy, never quite happy..and it also has continued to reach to the other extremes of just being simply severely depressed, and hoping it will go away is not really working..i have to stop hoping it will.

so all in all, things are kind of hectic in my little head right now, and i'm dealing with a lot...i wish i could relax and have a great summer, but i have a lot of things to do. i've never hated money so much before. when you don't have money, you really come to despise everything that money is involved with, which seems like everything these days.

to put it simply, being an adult is harder than i ever imagined, but that's okay..it's completely worth it.

i hope all of your lives are going relatively smoothly, and that you all have something that makes you happy.

aaaaahhhhhhhhhh!




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today was the slowest day of my life.

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i just want to make awesome music!

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i'm all alone in a sea of dreams!

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al gore, do it for the kids!

so i just spent the past week in chicago, and it was pretty rad. it feels really good to be home though. i stayed with my friend from school, who moved there second semester. my vacation was probably the least sober week i've had, like, ever. the last two days though i was sick, which was so lame. i met some really cool people, and ended up hanging out with one of michel's friends a lot, and it just ended up feeling like i had always been there, like i fit in. it was cool to have people connect with me right away, and not have to work so hard to have fun. don't worry though, my heart is in seattle. i spent way too much money, including money for a tattoo i really didn't need, but really wanted. took lots of photos. finally used a manuel camera again for the first time in like a year. i haven't done any photography in so long. i'm still in shock. it was awesome to shoot again. discovered and attained some really good music. jurassic-5 is pretty much the shit.

all in all, it was a pretty rad trip, and i'm so ready for this summer. all i have to do is go to work. and work is pretty cool by the way. i really like the people i work with, and make some good tips!

my first year of college is over and i couldn't welcome that free time more. School has been sitting on my shoulder the entire year, and I'm finally done worrying about it.

I started work yesterday. I got a job in Seattle at this pretty small pizza place. It was a pretty good day. The guys that work there all seem really funny, and like people I can get along with, and the manager is pretty laidback. He started me at 8.50, which is excellent considering he quoted me 8. And, he said I will most likely get raises soon, and fairly often. I made pizzas and it was pretty cool. Brenden, the manager was showing me how to throw the dough into the pizza, and it was crazy. He didn't have to toss it in the air or anything, but it was still crazy and intimidating. One guy that works there actually goes to cornish, so that was exciting. Point is, I think this is somewhere I'll work for a long time, and I'll be pretty happy with it. Plus, even though he said he didn't have a lot to offer me, I got 26 hours for my first week. When the summer kicks off a little more though I'll be working full-time raking in the big bucks.

although friday was my last day of school, i still have a research paper to write. Damnit!


p.s. i don't know what's with me only sometimes capitalizing the appropriate things.